Reality Magazine
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March 2006 

How to win your child’s co-operation

  If parents want to win the co-operation of their children, they need to remember that every child is different and needs to be handled in a way that takes into account his or her strengths and weaknesses, writes Carmel Wynne

Is there a parent in the country who would argue with me when I say that every child is unique and special?  That uniqueness is why the approach that works well with one child will fail with another.

The outgoing extroverted child needs to be handled in a very different way to the quieter more introverted one.  Unfortunately knowing this doesn’t prevent the frustration many parents experience when the strategies that succeed with one member of the family fall short with another.

Children respond to similar situations in their own unique way.  One child is told ‘You can’t wear the same dress every day’ and responds positively.  ‘Okay what can I wear today?’  Another child gets argumentative and asks.  ‘Why not?  I want to wear it every day’.

One child triggers angry feelings in a parent by the way he or she says something.  A busy, angry parent who is not in the mood to argue may reply, ‘You can’t because I say so.  Go and put something else on now’.

Another parent might stay calm and find it quicker to explain.  ‘You can’t wear that because it has a mark on it here and some unkind children might tease you because it’s dirty.  Please go and put on your blue top and jeans’.

Offering a suggestion about what you want done is more likely to get a positive response than the more vague request to ‘Put something else on’.  Giving a child specific instructions about what a parent wants will work well with an indecisive child who has trouble making decisions.  An independent child will want to make up his or her own mind so offering suggestions doesn’t help.  A different personality type may be more amenable when offered two choices and being invited to decide between them.

Leadership skills
Effective parents have good management and leadership skills.  I’m reminded of the two mothers who were catching up after ten years.  ‘ My daughter is a Home Management Consultant’ said one ‘and she has just made me a grandmother’.  ‘Isn’t she wonderful to be able to work at that?’ said the other.  ‘My daughter has just had a baby too but she is just a stay-at home mother’.

Some of us are wary of how far political correctness has gone in changing the words we use.  We may joke about the perceptions of status that comes with changing the word ‘housewife’ to ‘home manager’.  Even though most parents don’t perceive themselves to be managers or leaders they fulfil these roles.

In business good managers need to know three things about their

A parent who makes similar requests of all the children in the family may fail to recognise the distress of the child who finds it hard to do what the others do easily.

employees; their strengths and weaknesses, triggers and style of learning.  A parent needs exactly the same management skills to win co-operation.

Parents don’t have to bring a child for a series of psychological tests to discover their learning style and how to motivate them.  You just need to watch out for the triggers that get a positive response and use them more.  Children have a lot to teach parents

We all know how amazingly perceptive children are when it comes to pressing their parents’ triggers.  They know exactly when and how to do it to get the response they want.  Many parents are not as clued in to what triggers certain behaviours in a child but they can soon learn.

It’s very worthwhile to become aware of a child’s learning styles and to be aware that children respond differently in different circumstances.  The ‘street angel and house devil’ is one example.  The noisy outgoing extrovert in the home who acts like a quiet little mouse in school is another.

Wins do-operation
In business an effective manager wins co-operation.  He or she pays close attention to how people respond to requests.  Their response shows whether they are more ‘Proactive’ or ‘Reactive’ in how they react.  A parent can easily learn to do the same.

Proactive children are independent self-starters.  When you ask them to do something they seem to understand intuitively what is required of them.  They are motivated to get things done and out of the way.  So they jump into action.

Reactive children need more information and guidance.  It takes time for them to think about a task and to work out what is expected of them.  They are slow to get started and prefer not to have anything sprung on them without warning.

When a parent is aware of whether a child likes to act independently or to be given guidance they have the information to help them get the co-operation they want.  By phrasing their request in a way that reflects the motivational triggers of the child they can save all the energy that went into coaxing, complaining or threatening.

Understanding the weaknesses of proactive and reactive children is a useful tool for helping parents avoid the frustrations of the over or under-eager child.  The strengths of proactive people are that they are good at going out and getting the job done.  Their weakness is they tend to rush into action and may jump into situations without thinking or analysing.

The strength of reactive people is they like to fully understand and assess a situation before acting.  Their weakness is they prefer to wait for others to initiate.  They may consider and analyse without acting.

Motivational traits
Understanding motivational traits is how top managers make the best use of employees’ abilities by maximising their strengths.  The newest soft skills approach is to redesign job requirements to minimise a person’s weaknesses as opposed to trying to change a person or expect them to perform in every area.

The manager who understands the strengths and weaknesses of his employees has key information to maximise the skills of everyone on his team.  She will tell the reactive employee;  ‘Take time to analyse and consider this and have it on my desk by Friday’.

In the same way the parent manager will tell the reactive child  ‘You can decide this evening what you will wear in the morning.  You might want to think about which you prefer, the tracksuit or a skirt and jumper?’  This is the language that will get the positive response that is every parent’s dream.

That request would totally frustrate a proactive child who hates to be asked to analyse what action to take.  The self-starter doesn’t want to be asked to think about what to do.  He or she is motivated to ‘Go for it now’.  A simple, ‘Can you get dressed now please?’ allows the child to make his or her own choice and everyone is happy with the outcome.

Reading about how to make the kinds of request that motivates children sounds more onerous in theory than it is in practice.  A parent who understands why one child will happily comply with a request that proves ineffective with another child can learn how to say things in a way that reflects the child’s style of learning. 

Life is very difficult for a child who gets into trouble for not doing things as quickly as his or her siblings.  A parent who makes similar requests of all the children in the family may fail to recognise the distress of the child who finds it hard to do what the others do easily.  Imagine the difference it would make to the atmosphere in the family if parents recognised how unique and different each child is.

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