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Reality Magazine When teenagers are unsupervised - July/August 1999-Carmel Wynne It’s understandable that many parents worry about the lack of adult supervision for teenagers during the long school holidays. It is particularly difficult when both parents are working. Youngsters will always congregate at the house where there is what they call ‘a free gaff’ – meaning that mum and dad are out. Most parents are aware that it is only natural for hormonally challenged young people to take every opportunity that is offered to enjoy contact with the opposite sex. Studies show that teenagers are more likely to become sexually active when parents are not around to supervise. There is a lot of evidence to show that teenagers are smoking and drinking at an earlier age. School-children have easy access to drugs. Most adolescents will happily tell you that they can get hold of soft drugs – hard ones are a little bit more difficult to come by. There is also evidence to confirm that youngsters who reach puberty early are becoming sexually active at a younger age. An increasing number of adolescents refuse to accompany their parents on holiday and in many instances, while they are away, invite friends over to enjoy the advantages of a parent free zone. Sensible young people don’t tell their parents a lot about what goes on in their absence. It is naïve to assume that there is always safety in numbers. I have met many students who were devastated by the promiscuous behaviour of school friends who arrived uninvited on their doorstep while parents were away. In some mixed groups couples pair off and quite often the snogging sessions move on to other sexually intimate behaviour. Most adults seem to find it easier to talk about the harm that is done by cigarettes, alcohol or drugs than to discuss the damage done by irresponsible sexual behaviour. This is understandable. The difficulty children and their parents experience in talking about sexual matters seems to be a universal problem. This is probably because sex is such a powerful emotion. It is not easy for a parent to admit they are worried that an adolescent son or daughter who is romantically involved may be sexually active. A great deal of courage is needed to acknowledge that what young people believe is young love is often not love at all but lust. Many parents who are aware that young teens are being increasingly pressurised to have sex admit that they feel helpless. Some find themselves in the dreadful position that they believe a teenager is sexually active and they feel paralysed, unable to decide what to do for the best. Afraid of offending a child if their suspicions are unfounded and worried about the serious long-term consequences if they are not, they remain silent and pray for a miracle. Whilst I would never wish to discourage people from praying I’d like to quote Anthony de Mello – “God won’t do for you what you can do for yourself”. This generation of teenagers has been exposed to the most dramatic changes in attitudes to sexual behaviour of all time. The ready availability of contraception has radically changed thinking. News reports and media discussions give details about casual and deviant sex that have an effect. Few parents discuss these issues and hardly any teach young people refusal skills. I suspect this is because few adults know how to communicate ‘no’ without putting the other person down. Once hormonal activity begins at puberty impressionable girls and boys look for information about sex. Some lads have their appetites for sexy thrills whetted by video nasties which are overtly pornographic. Many of the most popular videos that teenagers enjoy show violent and degrading sex. They are easily obtained. Ideally parents would monitor what children watch. In practice most don’t. Approximately 70% of girls read the problem pages of teenage magazines. The value free advice given by agony aunts is that it is okay to make love provided an unplanned pregnancy or disease is avoided. The suggestion is that teenagers wait until they feel ready to have sex and then use contraception. These magazines never suggest that sex should be saved for marriage or stress the desirability of commitment to a long-term relationship or the appropriateness of an exclusive one. If contraception fails the suggested solution to an unplanned pregnancy is abortion. Irresponsible adults who watch afternoon chat shows on television in the company of teenagers and even younger children often fail to recognise that they are affected by what they hear. When young people who ask questions about oral sex, G –spots, multiple orgasms, pimps and transsexuals are asked “where did you hear that?”, the most usual answer is “on the Jenny Jones show”. The reply to “do your parents know you watch it?” is frequently “I watch it with my mother”. If you are a parent please don’t wait for a miracle to happen. It is vital that you know what attitudes your teenage children have to smoking, drinking and especially sex. If they drink or use drugs they are more likely to make bad decisions about sexual behaviour. Talk honestly about your own values. You may believe that making love is the deepest possible way that two people can communicate in marriage. Your children may tell you that you don’t have to be married to have sex. Health advertisements giving information about AIDS have influenced this generation to believe that being sexually responsible means using protection when you have sex. Advertisements do not warn that there is no contraception that is 100% safe. Young people are often under the illusion that they are in love when the truth is they are really in lust. A powerful deterrent for a student who plans to have sex is the suggestion that they should discuss with a partner what will happen if contraception fails and a baby is conceived? Young people need to be fully aware of what being an unmarried parent involves for approximately twenty years. Some of the important decisions they have to make involve sexuality. Today’s permissive culture makes it incredibly difficult for them to make good moral choices. Peer pressure coerces many into sexual behaviour that they would not freely choose. Television, the new sex educator, has influenced young people to have unhealthy and often harmful beliefs about human sexuality. Many are confused about what is normal. A common fear among boys in their mid-teens is that there is something wrong with them because they are still virgins. They need to hear positive messages about the benefits of delaying gratification. Parents of teenagers, whose sex hormones are in overdrive, have no control over what they do when unsupervised. One of the most difficult tasks of mid-life is to accept that teenagers will make their own decisions and to allow them learn from the consequences of the decision they make. This task is made easier for people who pray for their children. Faith helps us to let go trusting that God holds our children in the palm of his hand..
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