Reality Magazine
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Talking things out.   June 1999.

Carmel Wynne

Family relationships are as good as family communication.  What is not said conveys as strong a message, if not stronger, that what is verbalised. When a parent asks a child to ‘please go and clean your bedroom’, the words are only a tiny part of the message that the child hears.  The parent’s facial expression, whether she is smiling or frowning, making eye contact or looking elsewhere as she speaks, all communicate something to the child.

Two parents might use exactly the same words yet give very different messages.  One might smile at the child and cheerfully ask her to tidy her room.  A child is more likely to respond positively and co-operate when they are spoken to pleasantly.  If the parent can clearly communicate what she wants in the situation the child will make a greater effort.  ‘I really appreciate when you tidy your room because then I don’t have to worry that the baby may go in there and either damage your things or put something in her mouth that will harm her’.

Another parent might also say ‘please clean your room’.  The words are identical but if they are said in a reproachful or nagging tone of voice the child will hear a totally different message.  They will pick up the disapproval in the tone and probably feel put down and discouraged.  A common reaction of the younger child in such situations is to withdraw emotionally and live up to the negative message by reluctantly doing as little tidying as will keep them out of trouble.  The adolescent may fight back and refuse to co-operate.

When a person hears a negative message he is likely to react negatively.  It is unlikely that the results will please anyone when a youngster grumpily tidies a room Now I am not for a moment suggesting that if a parent is upset about the messy way a child keeps their room that they keep quiet.  Of course they need to express their dis-satisfaction and give clear, direct messages about what they expect.  How they do so is incredibly important for family relationships.

A blaming statement like ‘your room’s always a mess’ or a sarcastic one like ‘I suppose you’re too busy spending time with your friends to clean that pigsty you sleep in’ are likely to lead to a defensive action on the part of the child.  It is hardly surprising that such message lead a child to withdraw emotionally or to be openly rebellious and refuse to co-operate.

            When a parent wants to encourage responsible behaviour in a child it is important for him or her to give positive and affirming messages.  I don’t mean that we should go around saying ‘good girl’, ‘you’re a great boy’, ‘you’re a wonderful child’ all the time.  Many of us who are parents make those kinds of comments almost unthinkingly.  The widespread assumption is they are encouraging statements but sometimes they have the opposite effect to that intended.

Often a child who is praised in this way for something they have done or something they have achieved takes a message the parent did not intend.  They pick up the idea that they are good because of what they have done or achieved rather than valued for themselves.  Underlying this assumption is the belief that they are loved conditionally, only when they are good and please the parent.  This creates a fear that if they fail to measure up to parental expectations they will not be loved.  It is a guaranteed recipe for insecurity.

If you are a parent always separate the behaviour from the person and be specific about what is good or wonderful.  ‘I really appreciate when you tidy your room.  I feel happy that you are prepared to help and I love the extra time that gives me for myself.  Good girl.’  ‘I felt so proud when I saw you helping Mrs. Smith.  She is not well and I know she really appreciates your kindness.  You’re a great boy’.

When you correct a child it is even more important to separate the child from the action that you want to condemn.  If you say something like, ‘you’re very bold’ the child gets a negative message that they internalise.  This is damaging to self-esteem.  ‘That was a bold thing to do’ gives a different message.  It very clearly says that it is the action and not the person that is unacceptable.  The benefit of doing this is that the child is more likely to hear the correction and be motivated not to repeat the unwanted behaviour.

Some children end up very confused because the parent fails to tell them what they are supposed to do to help.  There is no denying that many Mums and Dads are very poor at giving clear unambiguous messages about what they expect.  Take for example the mother who complains that ‘nobody every does anything around here to help’.  Her intention may be to look for assistance from her family but she is unlikely to meet with much success.  She is simply not communicating clearly about what she wants.

 When there is a lot of conflict between parents and children it is almost always because of poor communication.  Parents can assume that a child is behaving badly and refusing to be co-operative when the unfortunate child simply does not know what is expected.  ‘Put the glass in the sink please’ is a clear direction.  ‘Put that thing in the thing’ is not and it is surprising how often this kind of confused instruction is heard.

Here is a little fun exercise that will help you check out if you communicate well in your family.  One person makes a statement that is true.  The others respond with ‘do you mean . . ‘ to clarify whether they have understood or not.  The aim is to get three yeses.  When we played this game in my family I began by saying ‘I’m tired’.  ‘Do you mean you need to rest?’.  ‘No’.  ‘Do you mean that you need a break?’.  ‘Yes’.  ‘Do you mean that you didn’t sleep well last night?’.  ‘No’.  I was probably more surprised than anyone else when I discovered that when I said ‘I’m tired’ what I really wanted to communicate was ‘I want one of you to suggest that I sit down while you make me a hot drink’.

What a lesson I learned that day.  I discovered that one reason why I did not feel listened to in my family was because I was failing to ask honestly for what I wanted.  I suspect that many parents who try this exercise will discover, as I did, that quite often when they feel let down and disappointed it is because of a failure in communication.

Good communication, which is both verbal and non-verbal, is the life blood of healthy family relationships.  Virginia Satir the family therapist writes ‘Every word, facial expression, gesture, or action on the part of the parents gives the child some message about his worth.  It is sad that so many parents don’t realise the effect these messages have on the child, and often don’t even realise what messages they are sending.’ 

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