Irish Times
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Health Supplement 28 March 2006
Surviving Break-Up.

 
Carmel Wynne

Going through the break-up of a relationship is so incredibly painful that getting through an ordinary day can feel like climbing Mount Everest.  To get out of bed in the morning after a night of broken sleep takes a huge effort.

The experience of separation or divorce is more difficult to cope with than a bereavement.  When someone dies there is a finality to the ending of the relationship that is not there when people separate.

Couples who end their marriage because they have fallen out of love are often shocked by the level of grief experienced after separation.  The readjustment to being single has an impact on self-esteem and self-confidence that is rarely anticipated.

If one partner has been unfaithful and had affairs the ‘cheated on spouse’ may insist on divorce yet be devastated by the separation.  In a contentious break-up the partners are angry, wounds run deep and are not so easy to heal.  The ‘wronged’ partner may want to vent rage or seek revenge but have to act civilly for the sake of the children. 

When a spouse dies the bereaved person still has good feelings and happy memories.  Yet for many separated people the sadness and grief are so overwhelming they feel empty.  Life doesn’t seem worth living.  There is no end to the pain. 

If you are newly widowed or separated it’s helpful to know that there is no logic to emotional feelings.  You may disbelieve the depth of feelings.  Divorced couples can find the expected relief from living apart fails to balance the overwhelming sadness and pain in dealing with family break-down.

Grieving will always hurt because you mourn for what you valued in the relationship and now miss.  It’s strange to long for a fraught argument, to discover that you valued the intimacy of making up after a row or are lonely for someone to offer to make you a cup of tea.

Once the relationship is over you have choices about what you do.  Get over ‘I can never forgive him or her for what s/he has done to me’.  Holding on to resentment hurts you.  Forgiveness does not mean you condone what happened or will ever allow it to happen again.

You forgive to release yourself from the burden of carrying toxic feelings that eat away at you physically, emotionally and spiritually.  If you don’t heal the wounding experiences of the past you will carry them into one bad relationship after another.

Break-up teaches crucial lessons about your true self and your understanding of what it means to be in love.  You need to grieve for the hopes and dreams, the disappointments and losses, the shared beliefs and longings.  At times the loss will feel overwhelming.  In the throes of your heartbreak release the pain.

Take fifteen minutes a day maximum to wallow in self-pity and misery.  Vent every miserable, nasty, revengeful feeling.  Release the anger and anguish in all its irrational and immature glory.

During the other 23 3/4 hours when a black thought comes up defer dealing with it until ‘Wallowing Time’.  Use a timer.  Immediately the time is up do something physical like go for a walk, or kick a ball.

In the blackest times ask, ‘How old do I feel?’  You’ll probably find a surprisingly low number pops into your head.  Heartbreak often has roots in childhood losses.  Comfort that inner child.  Listen to songs that help you grieve.  Hear them over and over again.

Cocoon yourself in your duvet.  Let the tears come.  Let out the sounds that give voice to the pain.  Give yourself time to recall happy times when you had real communication.  Retain what was good even as you let go of the former beloved.

Get a fresh understanding of what worked and of the dysfunctions that you will never tolerate again.  Learn from the mistakes.  Get a clear picture of your part in what went wrong between you.  Don’t play the blame game.  Forgive yourself as well as your partner so you can move on with your new way of life.

If you want to let go of the hurt but are afraid that if you do it will make you vulnerable and open to manipulation you may need to work with a therapist to get over these fears.

Don’t isolate yourself.  Go out with friends.  Understand the role self-concept plays in how you look to the future.  Do you know that what you believe about yourself becomes true of you?

When you were in love you carried around positive beliefs about yourself that made you feel beautiful, sexy, special, desirable, witty, special and appreciated.  Being in love is intoxicating.

You chose to believe you had wonderful qualities when you were in love.  That belief freed you to get in touch with your own best self.  Neither your beloved nor being in love invested you with these qualities.  They were always in you.

When you accept a relationship has ended make healthy choices.  You can accept that you are beautiful, sexy, special etc. or you can reject that truth.  Be willing to recognise the strength, courage and coping strategies you demonstrate every day as you elegantly and beautifully survive the break-up.

Your willingness to value, appreciate and love yourself determines your future happiness.


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